Day 22

Today is day 22 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

Weight: 158 pounds
BFI: 27.1%

It has been a few days since I wrote on this blog, but believe me...I have a good excuse. There is a lot to catch up on, so stay tuned. I should have multiple blogs being posted in the next few days.

My reason (excuse) for not being on-line is that I was moving. I am still moving, but most of it is behind me. In preparation for the big move, I moved into my sister's extra room. Save a month of rent before heading out to the land of low humidity and sunshine. Here in Oklahoma it is painfully hot and humid.

Still fasting. Still staying obedient to God. Still attending Celebrate Recovery to deal with my hurts, habits and hang-ups. Still trying to live my life according to God's Word.

Day 17 AM

Today is day 17 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

Weight: 158 pounds
BFI: 27.1%

We are almost halfway through the fast. The weight is coming off great. The menu has gotten a bit boring, but it doesn't really matter, because I am doing this as a testimony of love and obedience.

I have had three good days of peace. Three days of no anxiety. Ever since I had the sermon on God's power and strength. Since I put the time in to study the Word of God on fear and anxiety. I downloaded two different sermon series on anxiety, one by Joyce Meyers and one by John MacArthur. I think that I may have finally surrendered to God for the first time this problem.

Honestly, I have been changing my mind on my move to California every 20 minutes, and it had created so much stress. I knew when the decision was made that it was God's will. Since that time I began to wonder if it was or wasn't. So I panicked, like I was drowning. When I should have had faith in God, I didn't. I started fearing the shadows, and focusing on what could go wrong. I wasn't trusting in the power of my God.

I always hear people say, lay it at the foot of the cross. So I do. I lay my problems at the foot of the cross. I have a picture of Jesus hanging over my bed. To the back of his picture I taped an envelope, and when things get tough I write the problem down and put it in the envelope. It's supposed to be symbolic of relinquishing a problem to Christ. However, I know that as soon as I lay something at his feet, I wait a moment and pick it back up again.

It's ridiculous really. What do I think that I can do that he can't? He is the creator of the heaven and the earth. Nothing is beyond his power. Nothing! If you can't trust God, then who can you trust? So, today we work on letting go, and letting God. That's another saying I hear a lot. So today this is my prayer.

Praise Jesus! Thank you, Lord, for the way that you are working in my life. I may not see the things that you have done for me, but I know that you have not abandoned me. Thank you for blessing me each and every day. I trust you to do what needs to be done for me. I may not like the way that you do it, but I trust you. You are my Lord, my savior, and everything that I need. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Day 16 AM

Today is day 16 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

Today I am writing about fear...again. Right now the economy isn't that great, and people are losing their jobs. For the most part, Oklahoma education hasn't been that affected. Programs are getting cut, but the jobs are still there.

Now in California it is a different story. Their education bill was voted down, and the lay-offs are overwhelming. Now we all know that come fall all those kids are going to walk back through the doors of their schools, and teachers are going to be needed in those classrooms. They already allow 30 kids per classroom per teacher, but they still need a highly qualified individual in that room.

Now I am leaving Oklahoma and moving to California. All of my secular friends tell me I am making a mistake. I am a teacher with an out-of-state certification competing with local teachers all scrambling for the same job. One of the positions I applied for had over 300 applicants. All I've heard back from the many jobs I have applied to in the last four months, is one nibble.

Last week I called and talked to my veterans adviser, and even he recommended that I wait a year for the education job market to turn around. I listened to all the things he said, and then I asked him if he was a Christian. I told him that although this is a scary time to move, it is God's will for my family. He immediately said that I would be fine, and that I was covered. The same holds true for every believer I have spoken to.

The power of God is an amazing thing. All I did was mention God and a complete stranger told me I could do it. All through the Bible, 253 different verses, we are told how to handle fear. We should fear nothing in this life. The only thing we should be afraid of is the Lord. His power is absolute in all things. If he wants me in a classroom, it doesn't matter what the economy looks like. I just need to be patient and let him do his will in his time.

Proverbs 9:10 NIV
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.

However, there is nothing saying that a little prayer wouldn't help. I applied for the perfect job this morning before this post. It is in a great neighborhood, the pay is in the right range, and the academic program is one of the highest in the state. I would love to have this job, so send a couple prayers up to our Father. If it's his will, I would love to have this job. If not, I will keep applying to all of them, until I find the one that He wants me to have.

Matthew 17:20 NIV
He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. "

Day 15 PM

Today is day 15 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

This morning I commented on the sermon on the power of God, and how we should be courageous. How can we fear when we are temples for the Holy Spirit. For today's bible study I went to Christianity.com and I searched for the word "fear" in the scriptures. I have found pages of verses. The word of God has unspeakable power. It is the sword carried by Christ when he returns to us.

So the key is to find the scripture in the living word that heals where you are broken, and provides wisdom when you are lost. Take the scripture. Copy it down. Learn it and when the time comes for you to confront it, pull from it. When I confront my fear I will have the God's words to do combat with. I am not strong enough, I need God's grace. I need his living Word.

Psalms 34:4-8 NIV I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look on him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the Lord heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

Psalms 27:1 NIV The Lord is my light and my salvation - whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life - of whom shall I be afraid?

Psalms 112:7-8 NIV He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his face.

Proverbs 29:25 NIV Fear of man will prove to be a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

There are so many more. Open your Bible. Let the word of God speak to your heart. Let it be a soothing balm to your spirit. It is the divine promises of your savior.

Day 15 AM

Today is day 15 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

Weight: 158 pounds
BFI: 27.1%

Yesterday our sermon was video cast all the way from Simi Valley, California. Our preacher was Francis Chan. He spoke about the power and strength of God. He spoke about how Christians should be courageous, and not afraid to believe in God's power. The sermon was amazing. It was as if the sermon was just for me. For I have been living in a state of fear for the last three weeks.

So now I have to correct my "stinkin' thinkin'". I have to make a change of heart. However, I have enough wisdom to know that I cannot change myself. I do not even have the power to add one second to the length of my life. Today I pray that God change me through his grace. Change me in his way, and in his time.

If you would like to hear this sermon, then go to Cornerstone Church.

Day 13 AM

In the Bible it states that Moses had a face-to-face relationship with God that left a glow to his face. His radiance intimidated and scared those around him. So Moses would wear a veil to conceal his face from the others when he wasn't in communication with God.

Moses 34:33-35 NIV
When Moses finished speaking to them, he put a veil over his face. But whenever he entered the LORD's presence to speak with him, he removed the veil until he came out. And when he came out and told the Israelites what he had been commanded, they saw that his face was radiant. Then Moses would put the veil back over his face until he went in to speak with the Lord.

Similarly we all wear masks as well. However, ours is not to hide the glory of God. We use our masks to hide the drama and pain. We use ours to hide our sin. Even with the grace of God and the promise of everlasting life, we find that we still carry around the scars of our sin. Very few of us have the radiance of God glowing in our face.

At home, with a few people, we can be ourselves. We can allow others to see ourselves as vulnerable and flawed. We allow them to see us in our pajamas with greasy hair. We allow them to see what is our true perfection. We allow them to see our brokenness.

For everyone else, we wear a mask. We put on the make-up and the suit. We quip in the elevator about a movie or a show. We laugh and smile and act like everything is okay. We have all the answers and the right moves. Some people call that our winning formula or our game face. Whatever you wish to call it, it is a mask.

We wear our masks so that others won't see the real us. For if they were to see how flawed we are, would they still want to be our friend? If we went on a first date without a mask would we stand a chance? Even with the grace of God and the knowledge that we were born perfect and wonderful in his sight, we still hide who we are under a mask. We hide our uniqueness, so that we can conform to what everyone else thinks is right and good.

I know that I do it. I know that I can go to work and laugh and smile and act as if everything is all right. Meanwhile I am a scared little child on the inside crying out for help. I go to church and I feel like the only sinner in the room. Everyone else seems to have figured life out. They don't seem to be broken, because all I can see is their masks. It is hard to be vulnerable and open before God when your life is crazy and everyone else seems at peace.

At Celebrate Recovery, there are few masks. The group is a collection of broken people who have confessed that they are powerless and are praying for the healing that only God can give. I go there and I see people struggling with everything from drug addiction to low self-esteem, from alcohol to depression. The people in that room have their masks all ready for the real world when they leave the church. But for one or two hours they take them off, set them aside and ask for help. Even Christ, when covered with our sins, cried out for help.

Matthew 27:46 NIV
About the ninth hour Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ""Eloi, Eloi," "lama" "sabachthani?""--which means, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?"

I think that the first step to gaining the radiance that Moses found comes of having a personal relationship with Christ . Which comes from first being able to remove the mask you have spent a life time creating, and confess to another believer that you are broken. If not at Celebrate Recovery, then find someone somewhere.

Day 12 PM

Today is day 12 of my 40 days - 40 carbs - 40 prayers.

First, let me apologize to my faithful readers for missing my post this morning. This week has been so difficult. I am under so much stress from pressures in my life, I cannot remember why I wanted to go on this fast. The only reason I haven't visited PapaJohns.com is because I made a promise to God.

True confession, I have been living in a high state of stress for the last three years. In the last month it multiplied exponentially to an impossible level. I spend a large majority of my day managing stress. I am an emotional eater and there is a lot of good food in my kitchen. It would be great if I could use the food to manage the stress, but I won't break my promise to Jesus.

My friend thinks I am a raving lunatic, because every time we talk on the phone I am nearly hysterical. She patiently listens and puts me back on track. She must think I am crazy. However, she is wonderful and I count her as a blessing.

So... keep me in your prayers. Wish me some decent rest, and I will see you again in the morning.